Nightmares remaining (Fenris)

They fought, which was becoming uncomfortably routine in the two's relationship, it seemed. Not once could he ever truly say that Hawke were to blame for their little bouts. In fact he'd sooner lay the blame on himself, at least once he'd cooled off and came to his senses. But at that point, he was already gone, for both of their sakes. Zaria could be so incredibly naive which frustrated the far more practical elf when they argued over opinions neither could completely agree on. She liked to be optimistic, a valiant trait considering her hardships, but Fenris had grown quite cynical, not necessarily pessimistic, but certainly a realist who tried not to rely on flippant considerations, but rather cold, hard facts. Unfortunately for the both of them, when he got frustrated he grew aggressive and he didn't trust himself not to do anything rash while in such a state. This was why he left, because he didn't want to do anything that may hurt her. Or maybe that was just the justification he built up over the years. Who knew?

Whatever the reason, Fenris had simply disappeared for a couple of days, having no intention of leaving for good (wouldn't even dream of it!) but he simply needed some space, some time to clear his head. Taking jobs were typically his go to process, finding it almost therapeutic when he focused on tasks, be they dangerous or merely time consuming. And once he was in a proper state of mind, he'd find his way back to her, always relieved to find the Champion had been waiting, not angry or upset, but thankful he was in one piece. It always filled him with guilt, honestly, but what else could he do? Fortunately, after so many years of it, both seemed to have adjusted to that as well and she no longer seemed as distraught about him leaving as she had before... Or at least she didn't make it as obvious. The elf would like to hope it was not the latter, already being eaten up by the fact he'd left her once again, when the day had started off amazing. It was scary how fast that could change though, and all it took was a heated argument to send him storming off. It was for the best, he'd always remind himself.

It was time to return home, however. Or rather, to Hawke's estate, which was pretty much his second home. It was late of course, but nothing the two weren't unfamiliar with, especially due to Fenris constantly managing to break in, nearly causing Orana to die of fright every time she caught him lurking in the shadows. Thanks to the key, he wouldn't have to be scaling any walls or climbing into windows, which was quite fortunate seeing as he was rather sore from his latest 'therapy session'. Bruised ribs, he was certain. Nothing he couldn't handle, though something he may want to keep to himself, lest he worry Hawke more than she likely already was. The elf sighed at the thought as he entered the building, making sure to keep quiet so that he didn't disturb anyone. He did however wish to see Hawke again, not wanting to leave her waiting any longer than necessary. That and if he were being honest with himself, he needed to see her and knew he wouldn't be able to rest otherwise.

This is why he found himself headed towards her room, still keeping silent even as he reached the door and stepped inside, not wanting to wake her. Looking inside, he found her there, face buried in her pillow. Asleep or not, he wasn't certain, but he still shut the door softly behind him just in case before he made his approach. As he got closer, however, he could hear her sniffling and it didn't take much for him to grow concerned. "Hawke?" he asks, worry written in his tone. He made no attempt to get closer though, not yet anyway. As usual, he remained distance when he initially returned, convinced that this time, Zaria would be tired of him. It didn't even matter how many times she'd practically tackled him when he arrived, squeezed him so tight he could barely breath. He was still sure that one day, his luck would run out and whatever affection she had for him would just end, a fear that was perhaps worse than the one towards mages.

Of all the things that scared him, Hawke was truly his greatest fear. The broken smile both beckoned him yet kept him away. An man like him didn't deserve such a woman, honestly. He was still shocked she even expressed interest in him so many years ago, let alone still show that same desire. He often had to pinch himself, ensure this wasn't just a cruel dream.

As she approached him, grabbing his shirt and preventing him from escaping anywhere, he was assured that this was real and eased up, his arms wrapping around her in a protective manner as she told him what had been troubling her. His heart sank as she admitted to the nightmares, those that have tormented her, worse since she returned from the Fade. And he left her alone again... He didn't even want to think of how many times she had suffered alone.

The elf pulled her closer, ignoring the pressure it placed on his ribs as he tried to comfort her. "It's alright... I'm here." he assures. It was just a nightmare he'd told her plenty of times before, but it wasn't as simple as that. Even he had his own to deal with from time to time and he knew how traumatic they were capable of being. The best he could offer her was his presence, which had seemed to have been efficient in the past. "I'm not going anywhere." he goes further. She was stuck with him for the night, like it or not, but considering her grasp on him, he doubted she had much complaint towards the arrangement.

"I'm sorry..." he apologizes, for the fight, for storming off, and for leaving her to deal with the nightmares on her own. "I know I say that a lot." he chuckles bitterly, sadly. "But I am." he insists. He was convinced that one day he'd finally exhaust her forgiveness, yet it did little to stop him from doing these things. It wasn't as if he wanted it to happen, there was just little to prevent it.

As they stood there in the quiet estate, Fenris gradually felt Zaria relax into his arms, her breathing calmed as her sniffling began to cease, putting the elf himself at a bit of ease. But, of course, attentive Hawke would notice even the tiniest of flinches and as she pulled away, he could see the gears turn in her head. He wanted to protest, as always, but her hand was already at his side, his markings began to glow as they came in contact with outside magic. But really, the real reason he didn't argue against it was simply the fact that he really didn't want to argue anymore. Not tonight. So he reluctantly swallowed his pride, already feeling the effects of the healing take place. His bruised ribs felt less pressured, tender, and eventually it was as if nothing had happened at all. "That was unnecessary." he muttered, hardly an argument compared to their others, but still an attempt to save face, it seemed. He would have been fine. He suffered far worse injuries and survived them, after all. But he still appreciated the gesture, even if he wasn't exactly comfortable being subjected to spells, good or bad. This is why he gave her a kiss to her tear soaked cheek, as a silent thanks.

"It's who you are." she had insisted, though Fenris wasn't entirely sure if that were meant to be a good thing or not, but took her smile as a sign it was meant to comfort him, though he highly doubted he deserved it. Then of course she went on to apologize herself, which was just another unnecessary action, especially when she added her fears that he may leave for good. "I'm afraid you are stuck with me now." he stated with a lighthearted tone. "Only death can keep me from you. And you and I both know I don't die easily." he goes on with an almost proud smirk. He was far too stubborn to accept death, especially when he had her to protect. "I'm yours, Zaria. You know this." he concluded, only ever using her first name when he was in fact being serious with her. "I'll just have to keep hoping you don't grow tired of me." he smiled.

She assured him otherwise though, insisting there was no way she'd stop loving him. He wanted to believe her, and frankly a part of him did. But of course the elf still had some self-doubt and could only take her word for it. "I love you too." he replies, holding her just a little tighter for a moment before loosening his hold. "Let's get you back into bed. You look exhausted." he insisted, the weariness evident on her face. No doubt he had a part in that, but he tried not to think how many nights she lied awake while he was gone.

"But I wanted to do it anyway." Perhaps the phrase that best described Hawke to be perfectly honest. Didn't matter if it was dangerous or completely unnecessary, if she had set her mind to it, she would "do it anyway". She was determined, he'd give her that, but like he had said before, the woman would surely be the death of him. Only these days, it was becoming less of a complaint and more like a side effect he'd come to accept. Staying at Zaria's side would surely be his downfall one day, but he'd gladly stay at her side, supporting her through pretty much everything. Of course he'd continue to try and make her see reason when he could, but as long as he was there to keep her from getting too over her head, he would be satisfied. Or at least as satisfied as one could be while trying to keep their lover from killing themselves.

Still, he smiled, leaning into her touch as they stared into each other's eyes for a moment. It was times like these he was reminded why he stuck with her, as stubborn as she could be every now and then. He couldn't see himself with anyone else and he'd like to think she shared that sentiment, Hawke giving him little reason to believe otherwise. Unfortunately he could still hardly believe it, any of it. Freedom, even after so many years, seemed so new to him and the freedom to choose to be with her was something he never took for granted.

Though her words were comforting, her lips certainly soothed his worries. Fenris held to that kiss that seemed almost too short for his liking, but of course reminded himself that the woman needed some rest. Considering how damp her pillow was, he doubted she had much sleep. So he went along as she took his hand and lead him to the bed. Her question had caused him to snort in mild amusement, though considering the clear concern written on her face, perhaps laughing was not called for. "I don't think you leave me much choice." he stated, lifting their hands for emphasis as she held onto him. Even if he had the notion to leave, he doubted he could pry his hand out of hers. Fortunately for the both of them, he was tired of running and had already settled on the idea of staying her, now that he no longer feared her being too upset with him.

But before she could start feeling guilty, Fenris had decided to rephrase his last words. "As long as you don't hog the bed, I think I can join you." He nodded towards the bed, a gesture that simply told her to get back in. Well of course the broody elf couldn't simply be sweet when assuring her he was going nowhere, but this was his way of doing things and he was certain by now she could read him like a book and knew what he really meant. "Not too interested in walking back to my lonely mansion anyway." he added. Solitude was nice every now and then, but sometimes even he needed company, though he of course wouldn't openly admit it.

The laugh was comforting at any rate, managing to make the normally broody elf crack a smile. He didn't joke around all that often, but it at least came in handy when he wished to make her feel better. He was no jester by any means, but as long as he could make her smile, after all the turmoil she had been through, he was content.

The elf waited for her to get back onto the bed and settle in before joining her, deciding he could use a bit of rest himself, the long trip back home having been rather exhausting. Fenris of course had no intentions of sleeping right away. He'd stay up until she was peacefully sleeping once more, not wanting her to deal with her nightmares alone when he could help her, even if simply by being there. And, admittedly, he got something out of it too, humming in content, a sound that was almost similar to a cat's purr, as she got close. Fenris reached over to caress her cheek and brushed her hair aside so he could get a good look at those bright eyes of hers. "I missed this." he admitted lowly. Before they got together, sleeping alone was hardly an issue. But now, he'd gotten rather spoiled having a warm body against his own.

He wasn't necessarily surprised by her question, though didn't seem to be prepared to answer it. His pointed ears lowered a bit as he looked down, averting his eyes from hers. "I... It's hard to explain." he began. "It's not that I don't appreciate the welcome." far from it, actually! "I just..." he trailed off, not seeming to know how to find the words. How did you tell someone you wanted freedom without appearing to be ungrateful? It wasn't as if he didn't like the thought of living with Hawke. He practically did already, coming and going as he pleased. He never had a place of his own and now that he did, he was almost afraid to let go. He was no fool, he didn't expect Hawke to bind him in shackles the moment he decided to move in for good. She wasn't like that, even giving Orana a job, rather than keeping her a slave. But really, perhaps it was merely the fact he wasn't ready to let go just yet. It was a silly notion. You'd think Fenris would want to drop everything in regards to that monster, but apparently he wasn't as free as he originally thought, trapped in a cage of his own making. He frowned at the thought, deciding to drop it for now and instead listen as Zaria carried on.

Eight years and they still weren't completely over the events. Fenris had chosen the worst time to storm off, only to return and find Hawke had left on some foolish mission. Why didn't she wait for him? Well the answer was simple, she didn't want to risk him dying for her. The elf hadn't been pleased with such a response, arguing that she hadn't faith in him, but ultimately the argument didn't really get too far because they were simply overjoyed to see each other again, though obviously the effects had still lingered, and Fenris only felt more guilty as she explained how she felt, seeing him walk away. "I'm sorry." is all he can truly say. There was probably a much better way to solve their issues, rather than fleeing from them like he did, but he did not know what it was and didn't want to risk damaging what they had by staying, letting his frustrations consume him and turn him into the monster he was created to be.

It was then she had began talking about her family, Fenris' eyes returning to hers as she recounted how she lost them all. By time she had reached the end, her voice was quiet, a pained whisper, and the elf could practically feel it radiating off her. "You wont have to." he replied, a promise he really couldn't keep, but one he'd strive to uphold. "I'm with you for the long run, and I pity anyone who tries to get in the way of that." He'd sooner cut the sad bastards down then let anything tear him away from her, and that was something he could certainly promise.

The elf pouted a bit, her amusement towards his struggle not seeming to be too well appreciated, though the broody elf didn't appear capable of staying mad for long, merely rolling his eyes. "Festis bei umo canavarum," he muttered in Tevene, always one to take advantage of the languages she didn't know, just because he could. He was well with words in all manners aside from explaining his own personal emotions, oddly enough. It was something he always struggled with and only something he was now starting to realize he had the benefit of actually sharing. Before his freedom, his emotions, concerns, or even opinions was better left unsaid. No one cared, nor should they, as they were problems that he alone had to deal with. Or at least that was what he'd thought. There were many things the mercenary still had to learn.

Despite his difficulty, she seemed to understand, assuring him it was alright and going further to present her welcome once more. Not as if he needed it much to begin with, but it still felt nice hearing it. One day he'd get over all this, surely, and then he may feel more comfortable with the idea of staying with her for good. But that old dusty mansion was his safe space, oddly enough, a place of his own where he could go and be undisturbed while dealing with whatever demons tormented his mind. There was plenty of broken glass and stains against the wall he may need to clean at some point, but it was something that was his. Rightfully stolen, though many would try to dispute such a claim. "Thank you, Hawke." he smiled back.

No sooner were her lips pressed against his and the elf closed his eyes as he pressed into it, hoping to make it last though aware of the obvious hesitance. Zaria had always been the more... open one in their relationship, not shy about showering him in affections. Yet now she seemed almost frightened. That nightmare really seemed to have shook her up. But of course she was putting on a brave face, smiling sheepishly once they retracted from the kiss. The elf gave a small smirk, chuckling at the expression she wore. She was so tired, that much was evident, and it made her smile seem rather silly, drunken almost. Before he could comment on her appearance however, she had interjected, stating she'd missed him.

"I missed you too." he returned as he felt her cuddle up against him, the elf running his fingers through her hair as he watched her begin to doze off into what hopefully was a peaceful slumber. He sighed in relief, green eyes watching her sleeping form and smiling softly at the sight. How this woman still found the will to be with him was beyond him.

Fenris really wished he could cause her less pain, though it wasn't as if he wanted to simply leave. It was that temper of his, the usually quite calm elf turning rather terrifying when his temper was actually set off. It was normally difficult to accomplish, yet for some reason when he and Hawke argued, he grew more aggressive. He supposed it was his desire to make her see things his way, and being unable to convince her. It was silly and an awful reason to get upset, but sadly as much as he loved the woman, she had that effect on him. Not because she deserved it no, but simply because he was so afraid her kind heart would one day get her killed, like it almost had plenty of times before.

He frowned, dismissing those thoughts for now and instead leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm always yours." he whispered to the sleeping Hawke before closing his eyes and attempting to get some rest for himself.

Fenris may have been more tired than he originally thought. What was only meant to be a moment to rest his eyes had turned into a much needed slumber and the elf found it to be quite peaceful. Sleeping next to her had always proven to be far more comfortable before, so naturally it was no different now as he'd happily kept his arms wrapped around her, keeping her close as if he desperately needed it. After the nights he'd struggled without her, perhaps he had. But eventually the warm body would slip from his hold, a realization that the sleeping Fenris had come to discover in short time, the peaceful look on his face replaced with a frown as he felt around for her.

In no time at all the elf had finally began to stir, groaning as he woke. He was never quite the morning person and it would take him a moment to fully wake. It was easier when he had a pretty face to look at, Fenris smiling up to her from where he still lied, covering a yawn with the back of his hand before he returned the "Good morning." After that he'd push himself up to meet her kiss, this time noting that she didn't seem as frightened as she had before. It had made him smile beneath the contact, knowing that she was at least feeling better after that Nightmare. It was small, just being there for her, but he was happy knowing he was of some use to the Champion of Kirkwall, his lover. "Good to see you are feeling better." he regarded, his voice a bit raspy as per usual in the mornings.

Still in the process of waking up, Fenris pushed himself to sit upright, resting against the headboard of the bed and happily accepting Zaria at his side once again as she joined him under the blankets. "Would appear so..." he replied, looking to the fireplace whose embers were stronger than they had been in the late hours of the night. Fortunately the elf wasn't as skittish around him as she had been. Not that he could say much, seeing as he snapped at her in regards to anything involving their previous slavery. A bit uncalled for perhaps, but both of them were learning. Him to be less hostile and for her to accept a life where she was no longer a slave. "Bright and early." he added after catching a faint whiff of breakfast coming from the kitchen. Old habits died hard, he wanted to say, but he supposed she could simply just be a hard-worker. She didn't have the threat of punishment were she not punctual looming over her anymore. But he'd drop those thoughts before the expression on his face would warrant Hawke's concern.

"I don't think she'll be waiting up on us..." he began, wrapping an arm around her. "So I'm in no rush." Fenris concluded, running his fingers through his hair with his free hand, the wild mane of white seeming in need for a trim soon.