Memoires of a Hawke

Kirkwall

"I don't see the point in digging up Bethany so you can hide behind her too!" Zaria told her brother harshly. Carver's expression softened, and he almost looked sorry. She shook her head. "Good talk," she muttered turning her back to him and starting to walk away.

"Sister," he called out. She stopped but didn't turn to face him just yet. "I feel... I dunno. It's like Mother, taking everything out on us. She was just scared. I don't have a place in the life she's trying to bring back." She still didn't face him, and she could feel the electricity jumping across her skin, under her armor. "I'm here if you need me, but I must find my own way." She heard his footsteps moving into the other room, and Zaria walked outside without looking back. The door slammed shut behind her.

Outside, her other companions were waiting. Aveline was leaning against the wall next to the doorframe. The dwarf, Varric, was sitting on one of the top steps cleaning his crossbow, while the Tevinter elf, Fenris, was standing at the base of the stairs with his back to the rest of them.

"Are you alright Hawke?" Aveline asked, an understanding look on her face. Zaria sighed and ran her hand through her hair. Of all Zaria's current companions, Aveline and Carver were the only ones that knew the whole truth of what happened in Lothering. She'd mentioned it to Varric, mostly in an attempt to keep him from bothering her. She'd had Fenris and her brother with her at the time, so Varric and Fenris were the only ones besides Aveline who knew much of anything about their experience with the Blight.

"Carver and I have always butted heads," she admitted after a moment. "He... he'll get over it eventually... I hope." She sighed again and squared her shoulders. "We need to find this Warden. Where did you say he was Varric?"

Fenris

Ug! What was with that hard-headed elf?! Zaria collapsed on her bed, staring up at the canopy. She'd gotten into yet another argument with Fenris, and all it had done was piss them both off. Him and his hatred of magic, her and the fact that she simply WAS a mage. She held her hand out in front of her, fingers spread, watching the sparks dance between her fingers.

But why did fighting with Fenris make her so mad? She fought with Anders about his beliefs that mages should be completely free, but it didn't piss her off so much. She just thought Anders' beliefs were twisted because of the spirit inside him. Fighting with Fenris, though... It left her feeling... weird.

Her hand hit the bed again, and she realized what the feeling was. She felt bad about it. Not about her opinions, but about fighting with Fenris over it. Why did she feel bad about it? That didn't make sense. Her questions were overrun by the image of his smiling face, of the sound of his laugh, his voice... and her heart began to race.

Was she... falling for him? That anti-magic angsty former slave? ... Yes. She was falling for him. And that realization brought a smile to her face. She rolled over onto her side, gazing into the embers of a dying fire. Oh, Fenris... That laugh, those eyes... Even if she'd wanted to stop herself from falling for him, it was too late. She was already a goner.

First Days in Lowtown

Zaria sighed softly, turning the single mirror they had so she could see her hair. Around her on the floor was most of the hair she'd had. It felt wrong to keep her hair so long after Bethany's death. She just looked too much like her little sister.

"Zaria, what are you doing in there?" came her brother's voice through the door, with the telltale pounding of his fist against the wood. She sighed and pulled the door open, and he stared at her. "Well, that's one way to change your look," he muttered, rolling his eyes and walking to a different part of the small main room. Zaria rolled her eyes and walked toward the door.

"Come on, we're supposed to meet Athenril this morning," she told Carver. "Grab your sword and meet me outside."

Dreams

She had retired from the hero thing a while ago. She was getting a bit old to play hero anyway. She'd had good reason to stop running around hunting slavers and smugglers. Now she was working in the Circle, as a teacher for healing magics. The Circles had changed since Divine Victoria's coronation, for the better. She found herself wondering sometimes what Anders would have thought if he'd seen this.

She opened the front door to the estate and was greeted by a pair of kids, one of whom was only up to her knees.

"Welcome home Mama!" the older of the two said. Zaria lowered to her knees so she could look at her two children on their level.

"Mama home," said the little boy. His dark hair was in need of a trim, and his bright green eyes shimmered happily. His sister looked quite different compared to him; her white hair and bright blue eyes, she looked so much like their father, while the little boy looked almost like Zaria.

"Where's your father?" she asked them.

"Daddy's in the study," the little girl said. "I'll go get him!" She ran off up the stairs, while Zaria picked her son up in her arms. Now this was a life she loved. No more fighting, no more worrying about Fenris... And the two brightest parts of her life, in her arms every day.

That damn dwarf

Zaria stood on the estate balcony, looking out over her city. In one direction was the Viscount's estate, where Varric now sat(which was weird in its own way). Lowtown was visible from here too, where she knew Merrill was helping other elves in the alienage. The mountain's shadow was starting to lengthen over the city as the sun dipped toward the horizon.

Zaria finally turned her gaze toward the Gallows, the site of the greatest battle in Kirkwall's recent history. Meredith's statue was still sitting there, the red lyrium statue stuck to the stone steps. And she found herself thinking about what had gotten them into that mess.

Her family still would have ended up here. Her mother would probably still have been killed by that blood mage. But everything else could be tied back to Bartrand and that Maker-damned idol. Bartrand sold the idol to Meredith, which made her go completely mad and fed her distrust of mages. Maybe without the idol, she would've been more reasonable, and then Anders never would have blown up the Chantry. So much would be different if it hadn't been for that damn dwarf.

Adamant

She'd been arguing with Stroud ever since they saw the first of the Inquisitor's lost memories. The Wardens had been responsible for this, for killing the Divine, and now they were trying to get an army of demons together to assault the Deep Roads. Not even Anders had been this stupid. But she kept her opinions to herself as they fought, trying to keep the fear from taking over. This was the lair of a Nightmare demon, and she was a mage. What if it tried to possess her? And the spiders... Ugh.

Then they stood face to face with the nightmare's true form, a giant spider easily the size of a high dragon. She couldn't deny it anymore, this was terrifying. She swallowed hard and volunteered herself to fight it. Beside her was the elf Inquisitor, Cyrlan, and she knew he was what this world needed right now. She'd done her job, it was time to let him do his.

She allowed Cyrlan to pull her through the rift while Stroud fought the demon. Wait, when had he...? But before she could even ask herself that question, she was on all fours on the stone that made up Adamant Fortress. She was panting and gasping, looking over her shoulder as the elf closed the rift. She allowed herself to basically roll over, sitting on the stone and tilting her head to the sky. Her heart was still racing. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked over into Varric's face, the familiar smirk on his lips and in his eyes. But she couldn't echo it. She sighed and got to her feet. Stroud had sacrificed himself in the name of the Wardens. That was what they were about right? In death, sacrifice... But it felt wrong. He shouldn't have needed to do that.

"I'm just glad Carver wasn't involved in this," she admitted to Varric, walking forward and offering to go to Weisshaupt with the Wardens who would join her. This time, she was able to at least give Varric an attempt at a reassuring smile, though by the worry on his face it fell quite flat. "Let Fenris know, would you? I didn't get a chance to tell him I was leaving."

"He is not going to be happy about that," the dwarf responded.

"It's his own fault for running off," she insisted. "It wasn't like I could go looking for him."

"Sure Hawke, I'll let them know," he assured her. This time her smile was genuine as she walked away, a group of Wardens behind her. But she still had nightmares after facing that demon, and she didn't get much sleep on the trip, long as it was.